Been down so long it looks like up to me

*Please note that some of this post will be a recap of events in the previous post, due to the fact that Blogger never actually let me know that other post successfully uploaded.

I knew going into this month that it would be challenging. I had no idea how challenging. I have been totally overwhelmed for weeks on end by the volume of needs I've had to meet, on top of 2 on-call days and my client load. It's been very, well, challenging.

I was really looking forward to this week, because starting on Tuesday the new post-docs were beginning their own on-call days. "Only Mondays for me from now on!", I thought. Then, at 9am on Monday, one of the new post-docs quit.

FUCK!!!!

So now, here I am... still with 2 on-call days... interviewing new candidates... bracing to train the new person... still managing the anxiety of the 6 remaining new people, not to mention the staff... and, of course, fielding the various major and serious crises affecting my patients.

October, October, your sweet song sings in my ear, but will you ever arrive????

OMG WTF POLAR BEAR

Oy. This was supposed to be the week that things got easier for me at work. This week the new post-docs begin covering their own on-call days, meaning I only have 1 12-hour day a week instead of 2. However, at 9am this morning one of them dropped a bomb: she quit.

Now, not only am I working 2 on-call days this week, I am dealing with all of the fallout from her sudden departure. I was trying very hard to be present with everyone else's sadness this afternoon, but my primary emotion was anger. I was (and am) pissed! This is creating so much work for me right now, stress I really wasn't prepared for and don't quite feel capable of handling.

In addition, my body is on strike. Since last Thursday my left hip has been very painful, meaning I'm lurching around, unable to exercise (one of my major stress-relievers), and in chronic pain. I'm also coping with everyone's anxiety about doing their on-call work, and helping them with their initial consults and 5150 evaluations. O yeah, and I'm supposed to be a therapist to kids while all of this is going on.

Throw a little love my way- I need it!

Naughty Cat

Like many women, I have a stash of what M calls my "dainties", i.e. the lacy novelty items that you break out to take a special evening to the next level. My personal stash lives in a drawer in our bedroom. Unfortunately for my dainties, my bedroom has another resident: the Fat Cat.

The Fat Cat's personal mission in life is to open drawers and take what is in them, out. As M says, "Long on how, short on why". This reminds me of when the Wee Cat used to steal drinking straws. She'd stealthily sneak up from under the table, snatch away your straw, and make sure it was safely on the floor. Then she was done. Didn't play with it, no further interest; she just needed to increase the entropy in our home.

The Fat Cat is similar in his drawer spelunking urge. He doesn't want to sit in the drawer, play with the clothes, or anything other than make what was in, out. Recently his obsession has been the dainties drawer. There's nothing sexier than seeing your lingerie in a big, cat created pile. My sex life feels so violated! Unfortunately, there's not really a solution, unless I begin locking up my dainties, as well as other drawer-stored items, in cat-safe storage. This seems unreasonable versus the relatively minimal effort it takes to restore order to my underthings. I will consider this a reminder of why we do not have children yet.

Walking in my sleep

This was my first official weekend on-call. I tried not to get too worked up about it, as there usually isn't anything major that occurs over the weekend. The one exception is if there is an ERNIE, which is essentially a kid who fits 5150 criteria but isn't medically cleared. For example: a kid who is admitted for overdosing on tylenol in a suicide attempt. Clearly, the child needs to be hospitalized in a psychiatric facility, but no psych facility will take them until they are medically stablized and out of danger.

All of this being said, I wasn't anticipating hearing my pager go off. M and I were having a nice Friday evening falling asleep while listening to music. Suddenly there was an electric chirping sound. I was totally disoriented, thinking at first that it was the stereo, and then that it must be the alarm clock. Until M said "your pager" I had no recollection that that was even an option.

It was only 11:15pm, not super late, but it was my first time waking up from a dead sleep and having to jerk into crisis management mode. Luckily this page didn't involve going into the hospital, just talking to fools on the phone who would then go on to ignore my reasoned and educated recommendations. But no matter.

My only other page of the weekend - so far - occured, predictably, as I was getting out of the shower. There is the sense that you should say something about this, like "Oh, I was just getting out of the shower when I got your page", until you hear the anxious and near-panicky pace of the other person when they hear you are psych on-call and realize they could care less about your pleasant weekend activities and instead want you to solve their problem, stat.

Sigh... October can't come soon enough for me...

A Nonny Mouse

Welcome to my new anonymous blog! I created this in response to finding out that one of my adorable clients was searching for me on the interweb. Ooops! Time to anonymize things, would you say?

Speaking of my adorable clients, they are - literally and figuratively - dropping like flies. Some are moving away. Some feel like they are finished with therapy. And my little girl with cancer died over the weekend. This was my first experience losing a patient, and it continues to be hard. It's very strange to have this type of experience at work and then tolerate the things people usually complain about at their jobs. It is also strange to grieve someone that no one else knows, to not be able to say their name to anyone, and to have to process the loss in the workplace alone. Don't get me wrong, M has been 100% awesome (and who would have doubted it?), but the experience remains difficult.

I don't know how frequently I'll be blogging. I am insanely busy this month, what with 2 on-call days per week (12 hours +/day), a full caseload, and a new crop of trainees that it is my job as chief resident to help train and acclimate. Whee! October will be a happy month, let me tell you!